“I’m not sure that you actually have the ability to recognize when you’re tired, because you’re so used to pushing through it,” the doctor told her.
This statement is from an article in Cure Magazine about Joan Lunden’s experience while she was in treatment for Triple Negative Breast Cancer. When I first read it I was struck by the sensitivity and perceptiveness of Lunden’s doctor. This doctor seemed to know and understand Lunden as a person not just another patient. Thinking about this brought back my own path through cancer treatment and how I pushed myself to make life as normal as possible. This was, not surprisingly, nothing new …
At first I felt kind of sad, maybe even a bit forlorn. Did I miss an opportunity to take care of myself in a more gentle, kind way? Would some of the “collateral damage” like the peripheral neuropathy and tiredness I still experience be lessened if I had rested more? I spent some time confronting my old habits of thrusting myself forward when I was tired or sick. It was actually helpful to reflect on the question, “when do you rest, when is it important to keep moving?”
But then I watched the PBS series by Ken Burns, “Cancer: The Emperor of All Maladies” based on the book by Siddhartha Mukherjee. I was deeply moved by the patients who fought so bravely for their lives and even more touched by the researchers who toil year after year, decade after decade as they look for a cure for cancer. It reminded me of why I struggled so much to keep life “normal” for my family. It validated my choice to continue working as a therapist in my private practice not only because it helped me immensely to focus on others but also because it prevented my family from even more severe financial distress. When I thought about these things, it felt right that I had pushed forward despite how ill I was.
And so, I end up, once again, not with a clear answer to the question of “when do you rest, when do you push” but, indeed, more questions …
I’m curious what you think and feel about this? What did you do during treatment? Looking back, would you have done things differently? Please feel free to comment.