“Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality.” – Nikos Kazantzakis

Living with uncertainty is one of the major concerns we face as cancer survivors. I’ve seen this turn up on every survey given to cancer patients and listened to survivors talk about it in therapy sessions, group discussions and casual conversation. Sometimes it is named but often uncertainty comes disguised as anxiety or shows up in searches for some kind of guarantee that illness will not return. Our thoughts and feelings around uncertainty aren’t addressed by a power point presentation, a diet or an exercise program. Exploring the truth of uncertainty is a deeply personal process. Learning to live with uncertainty may be your greatest opportunity after drawing the short straw of cancer.

Anxiety and depression are common experiences for those of us who have endured and moved beyond a cancer diagnosis and treatment. What has not been as common is the recognition of this distress as a real and valid personal experience – not a pathological problem. These issues are of an emotional nature and there is still some stigma around this being the territory of the “unbalanced” and that those individuals who are not “prone to anxiety and depression prior to diagnosis” will most likely “move forward from their treatment without experiencing an ongoing distress, depression, anxiety and fear.”  This allows little room for us to speak of our emotional distress, fears of recurrence and the difficulties of living with uncertainty. Something is still wrong with you.  It is the “get over it” mode of healing. While there are those who wish to step away from the experience and never look backward, others may wish to embark upon a personal search of healing and recovery.

The sense of urgency that many cancer survivors feel is like a strong wave moving them forward.  Sometimes this urgency is mistaken for some kind of pathological anxiety and  the potential for insight is wasted in advice-giving moments of “symptom management” that imply a “settle down” quality.  Letting go of judgment, you befriend and explore what is within you, you allow yourself to open to a vast possibility of awareness.  You let yourself be …

Greeting uncertainty with an open mind moves us off the bench and on to the next bus. We don’t know our destination. An open mind moves, is light and flexible. It is interesting to think of getting to know ambiguity as a way to relax into this lightness. Imagine sitting on that bus, looking out the window and noticing the landscape you are passing through. It is unfamiliar and may be gray and depressing yet in continual movement you find yourself staring out on a beautiful field of sunflowers, their heads raised to take in a luminous golden sun. The bus continues…trees, buildings, people, the moon and stars all appear then fade away. You still have no clue where you so just relax into your seat, watch the scenery, and see what comes next.

Find your seat …

Sit quietly …

Breathe …

Some of this text is from my upcoming book, Surviving the Storm: Helping Cancer Survivors Tell Their Stories